I’m way too sexy for my underwear. Which is why I wear a Speedo into the pool. I expect the same from our new dog.
We picked him up yesterday. His name is Zack, which, if you’re a thief, is short for Zack Attack.
His birthday, as we’ve discovered, is on My Bride’s and my anniversary.
The Cat was not consulted in the naming of this new dog, a puppy, actually, a cuddly long-haired German Shepherd who will grow rather large. The children were. We had a family vote and “Zack” beat Prince, Comet, Bolt, and, incredibly, Clover.
Yes, The Cat will be tied in knots over it all. Whenever he shows up again.
But back to my Speedo. I usually wear it for doing lanes in the local pool in Kampala, although when you swim in certain countries, sooner or later you’ll see some dude emerge from the water in droopy and wet underwear.
Now, when my kids see me in my sexy Speedo, even though it’s the type of suit that goes to the knees, they, strangely enough, groan and say “Ohhh, Daaddd.”
This is because they know, along with anyone else who has seen my bare physique, that I am worthy of attention normally reserved for the guys in GQ Magazine, that is for those GQ readers who enjoy the Ichabod Crane special edition.
This brings us back to the new dog. It was at the pool — where we stopped on our way to pick up Zack — just after an “Ohhh Daaaddd” when I realized just how hot we all are in this family.
This is often revealed at the dinner table. Once, between forkfuls of green beans and mashed potatoes, I noted to the kids how hot their mother is.
Mom wasn’t there at the moment.
But then Liz, my 10-year-old, corrected me. “Dad. Mom is NOT hot,” she said.
“She’s not?” I said.
“No,” said Liz, “Mom is pretty.”
Then Liz got up and struck a rather vogue pose and declared “I am HOT.”
“Oh,” I said. “So what exactly is the difference between hot and pretty?”
Jon, with his eight years of accumulated wisdom then declared with great enthusiasm, “When you’re hot, your bum is on fire!”
Which reminded everyone of my Speedo again.
This is the family that Zack The New Dog is now coming into.
God help him. Especially with The Cat. And especially at the pool, when the kids try to get the swimwear on him.