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Dear Hamilton school board trustees:

Since you’ve sought input in the unfortunate situation of students wanting nauseous, faithbased activities in certain schools, here’s some devilish advice.

First, deal with this letter and its sensitivities behind closed doors. Nobody needs to tell you how to run your schools. Asking for guidance from the province was prudent for your image, but the decisions, my friends, are all yours.

Naturally, I suggest you quickly destroy any remnant, small as it may be, of any religious or spiritual thought or expression in all your schools. This includes Christian and Muslim prayers, discussions, clubs or you name it at Westmount Secondary School. Who knows what could eventually come of it?

For example, late last year I was observing the University of Illinois, in Urbana, where 20,000 university students from North America and beyond gathered for several days, to learn how to be so-called salt and light on this dirty, little ball you call Earth.

Missing the Boxing Week sales, these fools took trains, planes and buses there, to learn how they might help fix our messed-up planet by — get a load of this — going to the poor and oppressed. These suckers even gave $1 million from their own pockets for lost causes like victims of Iran’s earthquake. (A real beaut, I may add.)

Initial damage in Hamilton appears minimal.

Just a couple of dozen McMaster University students attended. But 1,500 Canadians were at Urbana. And the whole thing is a concern, because while their hopes are foolish, they’re also very dangerous. At least some youth might eventually take them who knows where.

Needless to say, I personally find that salt stings like hell, and light is terribly blinding.

So, besides extinguishing any flicker of God-talk in your schools, I suggest you do the following: Emphasize that truth doesn’t exist.

This gives little reason to leave bed in the mornings, but it’s foundational.

Students need to know they’re the centre of their universe, a chance collection of atoms without purpose. You know, Evolution 101.

Focus on power, money and prestige of future jobs. Keep students dissatisfied.

Preoccupied.

Don’t mention that while North Americans spend $10 billion annually on video games, 300,000 kids die in armed conflicts worldwide; or that while there are 100 million orphans on Earth, last year your continent spent $30 billion on pets.

Don’t forget, sexuality is a wonderful distraction. Give plenty of room for everyone to roam aimlessly, like scattered sheep in the hills and valleys of free choice. Choice, as you know, is good, as long as students don’t chose abstinence until marriage.

Remember, offensive strategies are also needed. Continue the myth that Christianity is an oppressive, white, ethnocentric religion. Don’t mention that Latin America, Asia and Africa have more Christians than North America and Europe.

And certainly never, ever allow Jesus Christ’s name to be uttered in any school, unless it’s cursed.

Some students will question these things. Be on your guard. They’re like dynamite, and can upset the equilibrium of everything.

One tactic is to remind them that if they want to bring hope to the slums and garbage communities of the world, or even their own schools, there is a price to pay. But be careful because this can backfire.

At Urbana, for example, the 20,000 heard about Hans and Sophie Scholl, a couple of university students in Germany who defied Hitler and distributed anti-Nazi leaflets on campus.

They were arrested and within hours, tried, and beheaded. Strange thing, but this type of thing can empower certain students even more.

This is why some are so dangerous.

These counter-cultural types have led revolutions and even transformed societies. They have a certain something, deep within their young spirits, a certain radical courage that is very unpredictable. And this, in the end, is what you absolutely must completely destroy.

It’s cautious, well-paid, conformists that you want to mould, students that have something I affectionately call a passion deficit. That, really, is best for everyone.

So at all costs, do not allow anyone to rock any boat: not their own, and certainly not yours.

Trusting this all helps, and that, of course, you sleep well.

Affectionately yours, An Anonymous Little Devil